Introduction:
I decided to do something utterly embarrassing and write a journal on my fitness and diet pursuits so I can hopefully help myself progress in looking and feeling better.
Thursday May 27, 2010 (late at night)
TIME TO CONFESS...
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I love to eat.
There! I said it.
I don't just love it... I really love it. Without food there is no joy, no passion, no life. Without food I am bitchy and cranky and angry and not cool to be around. It's an obsession. I hate cutting back. I hate restricting my diet. I hate not being able to eat anything I want, as much as I want, all the time. I am unreasonable, childish and absurd with my caloric intake. I am a monster and I demand to be fed.
Seeing other people eat is worse. It is an invitation. When my fiance eats, I cannot help but want to join. So, I can actually go through the day and deprive myself or eat reasonably and healthy foods, healthy portions. I can actually almost believe or live with the notion that "moderation" is a reasonable motto... then the night comes. Like a wolf to the moon, the addiction sets in and the cravings and the contagious eating and snacking just swoops in and overcomes all my inhibitions.
I try to keep it in control. I record everything --first I used a notebook--now I use an App called Lose It! and I am very diligent. I have always exercised plenty--it could be argued that I exercised too much. But exercise alone cannot make anyone thin.
There was a time when I ate almost nothing and worked out a lot and that didn't help either because it just screws with your metabolism and tricks your brain into starvation mode.
Even a diet of plain celery and carrot sticks with an ounce of meat a day used to make me plateau or gain weight after months of practice.
My current diet and exercise level is probably the best I've done in my life--it's the most healthy and sustainable I have ever managed to keep the two in balance.
My blood pressure is low, my muscles are healthy, I am technically "in shape"... but my weight and size suggest otherwise.
I hate that I can't be comfortable in a tank top and jeans. I hate that I can't comfortably walk around in a bikini and turn heads in a good way.
I can't walk into any store and start trying on clothes. I have to ask what the biggest size is, and most of the time, for places like Guess, Urban Behavior, FCUK, and even the "fashion jeans" in *shudder* OUTLET stores, I have to walk out, defeated because I cannot fit in their biggest sizes.
It is shameful and depressing. I want to be able to look good--fantastic. All of my friends look better than I do... this shouldn't bother me, but it brings me down. Nobody wants to be the ugly friend. I don't feel that way all the time, but I do feel left out and bitter when I hear them get compliments and when I see how good they look in fashionable clothes that I wish I could wear and pull off.
I would love to be able to look fashionable and wear all the types of clothes that I want to, but instead I have to wear specific clothes: clothes that I settle for because:
a) they fit and
b) they are designed to hide bulge
It doesn't feel good and I want to change this trend. Especially since I have a wedding that I have to look good for that's coming up in a few short months. I have to take ownership. Sure it's been an uphill struggle, but I'm to blame.
Last night, I had eaten every meal and was happy to stop with "30 calories under" in my Lose It! App. But my lovable fiance pulls out American Dad and Roger the Alien comes out with a platter of cheese.
Fiance turns to me "I want cheese!"
I respond sheepishly "... me too..." and a little louder "No. ...but we shouldn't! No."
He gets up to the fridge. "Do you want some?"
Me... "no." *very quietly*.
"Have some!" he pleads. He hates it when he sees me unhappy and he adds "I think you're beautiful and perfect as you are." Knowing I only resist because I'm constantly trying to lose weight.
It doesn't take too much convincing before I'm there making a cheese platter with him. One thing leads to another and as he is eating out of a family sized bag of Tostitoes, I am eating two baby belles, (70 cal each), two laughing cows (35 cal each) a single-serving bag of Doritos (140 cal), a bowl of cantaloupe and honeydew and half a banana with 1/4 cup of kefir. That made me over-eat about 400 (or more) calories over my daily budget.
This happens every day.
I checked my Lose It! app, and I was just over 700 calories for my weekly budget and I still had the weekend to face.
THIS MUST CHANGE--I have to compensate with workouts to kill the overage and perhaps teach myself to control more and quench that hunger when it comes knocking.
FRIDAY MAY 28, 4:20 PM
I am exhausted.
I just finished a looooong DDR workout where I burned over 770 calories... my brain feels like mush and I am light headed.
That takes care of my punishment (and by "punishment" I mean: balances out the damage) for overeating this week. I already logged the workout in yesterday's slot in my Lose It! App., but I still need to do a workout for today, and I realized that I forgot to add the bag of single-serving Doritos that I ate last night with the cheese and fruit while Rod and I were watching the American Dad series on DVD.
I had no interest in doing any kind of activity today and I was pushing myself so hard throughout the whole workout, but it had to be done. These are the things I have to do because a little over-eating here and there adds up and then next thing you know it, I'm 800 calories over my weekly budget and there's no drop in pant size or improvement of any kind.
I admit that this week will likely be particularily hard because it's Rod's birthday weekend and I plan on doing some food-related things with him, like going to "our" restaurant and ordering out and setting up my office for this whole sweet re-creation of our first night in our place.
Before we bought or moved in any furniture or anything, we came with fold-out chairs and takeout and watched the view from what is now my office.
I think it's romantic and sweet and nice considering I don't have enough money to get him some of the other nicer gits I wanted to get him...
That already high in calorie meal plus cake and ice cream... which is hard to say no to, when he's already piling on a massive bowl of thirds for himself and I have to sit next to him and watch... (yeah... I suppose I should wait till he's on his second bowl before I have my first to avoid that... I know my self well enough to know how I will react) but it's hard to implement moderation around him and let's be honest, who really wants to?
I am running short on time before Rod gets home, so I need to go out and do some of the errands and pick up the ice cream, but I need a break before I go on... I am wolfing down a banana for energy and I'm going to head back to do the Wedding Workout and shower before I leave.
Friday May 28, 2010 -- 8:30 PM
I did it! I did the workouts. But I also ate the Boston Lasagna and still have birthday weekend ice cream to share with Rod. Today will be over budget. So tomorrow, I have to do the same thing. Work it out and work it off.
